Crow Medicine

Nothing like having to tell your dad, the man you most respect in this world, why you have been MIA. When the spotlight is on, there is no hiding. Hard truths. I explained my whereabouts and what I felt were a continued series of failures. Something I don't do well. His response is priceless:

"...[it is difficult right now] but be curious about it, hold it loosely and let the future come. Hemingway, when he was being divorced and the lowest point of his life, said it was all going on around him and to him, but God was it fascinating on some levels he could grasp. Not to trivialize any of it believe me. Pneumonia is life and death stuff. Breathe deeply and often. Deep breathing will help you on biking wind, too.

As to not having any more failure, you will, but failure is previous to something else. Failure on a project doesn't mean scrap the project, it only means go at it from a slightly different angle. Really.  Adjust the increments. A plane is off-course (failing) during most of its flight—it just gets adjustments all the time. Carving away at the result.

The breakup SEEMS like failure and it could be the huge success PREVIOUS to a bigger success. It's a painful as hell adjustment. And it may come around again, same only different. There's passion and feeling to it. It meant something, just not what your idea of it was. I know that there is want and need. Want is often something we have to reframe our perception of. It's always outside us. Need is within us. You may not get what you want, but you will get what you need.

(Example—me, say I want fame and respect. Without it I am nothing. The arc goes to, wait, I don't need fame and respect to complete me, I'm great just the way I am, I have respect to give, then I'll get some back. Self respect. Fame is dependent on others, I can't control that, so I'll just keep writing and sculpting and if it gets there, fine. I do it, first and foremost, for me. I'm okay with that.)

(Example—I want so and so to love me so I do everything I can to make that happen, then he or she does, but that's not the real me, he or she probably wouldn't love the real me. I reframe my want, relax it to if he or she doesn't love the real me, that's the way that is. I can't make them be someone else. The need is to love myself. Only then can I be loved for myself. So, want is outside us. Need is within us.)

Here endeth the wise old guy talking through his butt lesson. (The "if you're so fucking smart why ain't you rich" thing again)..."

I am blessed.... so blessed to have this guy in my corner. Consider me reframed and looking forward to the bigger success.