Today I told the truth about a not-so-wonderful, actually kind of shitty part of me. Last night, when asked the question, I froze in place. I felt the panic, didn’t really know what to say because it caught me from left field. I stammered, clawed for a description, told half the truth and painted the rest of it in. My sleep was fitful and when I woke up, my chest was constricted. I could feel the distance I was creating. Because of the fear of revealing myself. This includes the ugly stuff. Yes, even that.
And when I turned this rock over and really looked at it, I realized that I am probably the most secretive person I know. I have lived this way for years and years… I want to edit EVERY damn thing… and pretty much, this will cement my demise if I let it. Omission is lying... no other way around it.
I knew what I had to do. I had to make the call and set it right even if it meant loosing someone so important to me. But damn, if it works… this is how depth begins to happen. I have GOT to be true if I ever expect it back from anyone else. I want to be the one that you know you will get the straight answer from when you ask a question that is important to you… when you really need to know the truth. Moving forward, it is a choice I am making every day no matter how hard. It’s my promise.
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